Spending the Holidays in the NICU

"Look at all these cute Halloween outfits for babies! Wouldn't it be so fun to have a little person to dress up?" That's what I thought when I was pregnant. It was October and I wasn't due until February. Oh well, next year right? Wrong. My little Nila was born on October 23, 2002 at 25 weeks. She weighed in at a tiny 1 lb 3 oz and was only 12-inches long. She was born with a severe yeast pneumonia in her lungs and truly we didn't know if she'd live through the night, let alone ever come home. My husband and I knew at that point that if we were lucky our little girl would be in the NICU throughout all the holidays and we would be grateful to have her there. That logical thought process, however, didn't quite prepare us for the emotions we would have.
(Nila the night she was born.)

Halloween was the first, and easiest I might add, holiday to get through. We were having dinner at home so, of course, there were trick-or-treaters out and about. It was very surreal to be standing at the door, back in my pre-pregnancy jeans, handing out candy to my neighbors children. I kept thinking that I should still be pregnant and loving this holiday, not trying to get out the door to get to the hospital.

Nila continued to have ups and downs during November. My emotions were also on that lovely roller coaster. I actually felt, for the most part, that I was coping well, breaking down when I needed to, trying to keep a positive outlook, and rolling with all the punches as they came. Thanksgiving approached and, of course, we decided not to go out of town. We spent that day with some of my husband's family that lives in the area. The days leading up to Thanksgiving were very hard for me. I felt depressed that I wasn't able to spend time where I normally would and started to have a bad attitude of "Why should I be thankful this year? My precious child is fighting for her life. How is that fair? Every one else, although sympathetic, is able to just carry on with their normal lives and we're stuck here!" After we'd had Thanksgiving dinner we went to visit Nila. As I looked at her, with all the beeping machines around her, I became extremely grateful. I was so grateful that I had this little person in my life, I was grateful for the wonderful hospital staff and their knowledge that was keeping my little girl alive, and I was grateful for all that my family and friends were doing for my little family. I needed perspective. This was one Thanksgiving in our lifetime and with any luck we'd all be together wherever we wanted to be next year.

Now it was time for me to jump this last holiday hurdle. The big one. Christmas. We decorated Nila's bedside, made her Christmas linens and I started making her a Christmas stocking. On December 5th I got to finally hold Nila for the first time. She could only be held once a day and only for as long as she would tolerate it. Sometimes this was 20 minutes, other times it was 3 hours. We also felt that Nila was doing well enough that I finally let my friends and family throw a baby shower for me. Despite all the wonderful things that were happening with our little family that month I was still dreading Christmas. I have never NOT gone home for Christmas. This would be my first. Waking up Christmas morning all by ourselves was just so strange for me. Santa, naturally, had brought Nila a few little things that we would take to her in the NICU that morning. My husband and I opened our gifts and my family called to wish us a Merry Christmas, upon which I immediately burst into tears. The sadness from Thanksgiving had caught up with me again. We went to the NICU as soon as we got ready that morning and spent the entire day there. I don't know why, but that day the NICU seemed to have a different atmosphere about it. It seemed so peaceful to me. I realized that all the other parents there were going through the same thing I was. Once again, I was humbled and grateful for the staff that instead of being with THEIR families were there caring for all the sweet little NICU babies. They were all so kind and we had great conversations that day. As I sat holding my little girl, tears rolling down my face, I, once again, realized how blessed we were. I had been so sad to not be with my family, but I WAS with my own little family. THIS is what was important. The fact that my husband, my daughter and I had the privilege of being together on our first Christmas as a family was the best gift I ever could have received.

Nila came home from the NICU on March 15, 2003. Her stay in the NICU is an experience that was hard, but I learned so much about myself during that time. The holidays can be a very trying time to have a baby in the NICU. The best advise I can give is to just keep everything in perspective and realize that there will be another Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas. -- Paige